Getting to know someone from two thousand miles away.

“No, you hang up first!”

“Sooo, what do y’all talk about anyway?” is by far the number one question I’m being asked lately about my long-distance fella. Followed closely by “Is he a Mormon?” / “Does he have any sister wives?” (he’s from Utah) and “Are you reading 50 Shades of Grey?” and “What if you don’t have chemistry in person?”

First, he’s not a Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and he doesn’t have any sister wives (not that there’s anyth… well, no comment) and I refuse to read “50 Shades of Grey” although I’m starting to wish I had written it. Type in “5″ – just the number 5! – in a Google search and that book comes up. As for the chemistry, we’ve already got 90% of it taken care of, it’s the pesky 10% in-person chemistry that we’ll have to wait and see about.

I’m not too concerned about it. He’s very handsome. VERY. And even if he looked like Sloth from The Goonies, I swear I’d just make it work. Fortunately, he does not so I don’t foresee any issues. This is a little off-topic but I dated an Australian guy very briefly a few years ago who was so ugly that I almost gagged when we kissed. It was like kissing Rocky from Mask. Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that, either.

Anyway.

I’m not worried about a lack of chemistry. And I’m kind of a dish very pretty and confident that he’ll still think so in person so there’s nothing to worry about there. I suppose there are those pesky pheromones to think about but honestly, I’m just not too concerned.

I’m excited!

The kind of excitement I feel when I haven’t seen someone in a long time, not an anxious kind of excitement. Happy excitement. No jitters. Well, minimal jitters. This is gonna be good, people.

So what do we talk about, anyway?

Well, we talk about the same stuff people on in-person dates talk about. In the beginning, we had a few super-long marathon phone calls and at least two all-nighters. Who hasn’t done that? We’ve talked about our families, our childhoods, our friends, our hobbies and interests, things that annoy us, things that make us laugh, what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our jobs. Food. We talk a lot about food and movies. Religion, politics, history, strange phenomena, the space-time continuum, diner lingo, Route 66, World War II, the Muppets upon occasion, Messy Marvin at least once.

E.T., Michael Jackson, honesty in relationships, family values, popcorn toppings, personal values, fried chicken, my fear of clowns, his dislike of spiders, my other fear of scary movies, current events in the news, Vanilla Ice one time, Astronaut ice cream last night. Snakes, the plural of cannoli (that is the plural, America, cannolo is the singular – you heard it here first, folks) what a fluted melon is, my unreal love of Trader Joe’s Chipotle Flat Iron Steak, coffee, running through the sprinkler, ice cream, swing sets, floating islands, eggs, the greatest criminal mastermind of our time (that’s Lex Luthor), Saturday Morning Cartoons, reading, bikes and ligers, romancy stuff, diseases and flesh-eating bacterial infections, photography, Aunt Bee’s sour pickles, creamed honey, red hots, road trips, holiday traditions, jigsaw puzzles, limoncello, card counting, past relationships and my irrational fear of being hunted and killed by Jaws.

We also talk about General Zod quite a lot – if you haven’t seen Superman in a while, check it out, G Zod (that would be his hip hop name that I made up for him) reminds me of an extra-terrestrial Stewie Griffin from Family Guy.

So, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, folks. We’re still finding new things to talk about all the time. Stay tuned…

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