I’ve had a big hangup about my age for a while now. I don’t like getting older – not in a botox-injecting, animal-print-wearing, cosmo-swilling-at-a-cheesy-stripclub, loud-’woo-hoo’er kind of way. More in a lights-out, sad music, quietly self-critical, bad poetry-writing kind of way.
I’m that girl. The one from high school with burgundy hair wearing a scowl and black and white striped tights and Doc Marten Mary Janes sitting on the huge speaker on the dance floor in the grungy alterna club ‘reading’ The Bell Jar but secretly hoping some cute boy dancing (more like flailing, none of us really danced) to Siouxsie and the Banshees would flail right by me and go “You’re deep, I so get you.” Ugh, that is so embarrassing. I can’t believe I survived my teens. My poor mother.
Deep inside, even when I pretended to be interested in other things, I was always hoping to get some guy’s attention. Even while I was so obsessed with being cool and staying in my weird teen angst character and would make false comments to my parents like “I’m never getting married, I don’t need a husband”, I was internally counting down the moments to my wedding day that never came. So disappointing.
As I’ve grown older and farther away from that mental age I set for marriage and then the one I set for marriage after independence, and then the one I set for marriage mid-career (everyone does that, right?) I’ve grown angrier and angrier with God for withholding. And thanks to our culture, I think men only want young women, and thanks to our culture again, I think 35 is old.
I hope that I take this thing seriously and that it’s not just another Bell Jar moment, feigning disinterest, hoping I get what I want in the end. I’ve made the “I’m so done with dating/men/relationships” threat before but never followed through with it. I think I thought I was tricking God or something. I mean, they always say you meet someone when you least expect it, so I would always pretend like I was not expecting it in the least and I was so surprised that my mental bamboozle didn’t work. At least God can see through me when I’m being fake – sometimes I’m not even sure myself if I mean something or if I’m just trying to manipulate my fate.
How do I know if I am making a change in my life out of a pure desire for something good or if I’m being phony?
Ok, got to tell you something about the age thing, I am in my early 40′s and I am in better shape physically, mentally, emotionally and believe it or not…spiritually then I EVER was in my 20′s and 30′s…hands down, bar none. I would not go back no way, not for a single minute…if anything I would like to stop the clock right here.
HOWEVER being a woman and that whole biological clock thing I have 3 children…so obviously that element of the age factor is not a concern of mine. I truly believe that a woman’s best years are in her 40′s.
Only we know on a personal lever the REAL reasons why we choose to do things. I don’t really want to go on a man-fast but my course so far indicates that I need to experience life from the perspective that I am not on a man-quest. I can say on a day to day bases that I am not on one but this is the only way I really know how to make it reality.
Hey there,
I am in the same boat with you…a 30-something Atlanta gal, somewhat eternally single.
You posted a question at the bottom of this blog post: “How do I know if I am making a change in my life out of a pure desire for something good or if I’m being phony?”
I don’t know that I really have the “answer” for you per se, but I will pass along a great question that I got from Jon Acuff’s blog years ago that has really made me stop and think multiple times and question the motives of my heart to make sure that what i’m seeking after is from God, not from me. He said:
“Do I chase the blessings of God more than the presence? I don’t want God to simply be a new vehicle for the things I want. I want God to be what I want.”
(stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com)
Anyways, hope that helps…and best of luck on your one-year journey! I’ve done it…twice. And i’m very grateful for the things i’ve learned during those processes. Definitely sweet (and sometimes painful) seasons of pruning in my heart, but I came out on the other end knowing myself better, and trusting the Lord a little more fully each time.
Blessings!
Thanks Jamie! That’s great perspective – I follow Jon’s blog, too, but I missed that one. Thanks for posting it!
Your blog is amazing. Thank you for being so open and honest. I think you speak what a lot of single ladies feel.